So I turned 21 today, when the clock struck 12 my heart beat was normal, seemed like any other day with a date more frequently known as we mention date of birth in many areas, so it’s unlikely that one forgets her birthday; what’s so special about birthdays? Every year they come over & again untill you die, so I was calm& thinking of nothing in particular as head is full with ludicrous wondering these days, besides the fact that I knew no one would be there to wish me at 12. I wasn’t sceptical I just knew it, obviously you know the kind of people you surround yourself with& how they are likely to reciprocate to you; it’s a lame human thing that before loving, we get a feeling of protecting ourselves from the imminent threat, this goes back to many years ago when humans didn’t had feelings but an urge to hunt& live over the lapsed life!
So I knew it, I thought of the course of my life where i’m heading to, what is there that i am missing & letting me bereft of some greater serendipities,how my choices have an impact on the well being of ‘ myself & the people around’ and the most important one; what’s the purpose of my life? This can’t be living only, as Hemingway said that life isn’t about the unprecedented beginnings or the eventuality of ending, it’s the details between these two which describe how one lived& will be remembered! I kept thinking& sleep came in no time. Nobody mattered at the hour of silence, just the usual questions people of my ilk ask in isolation but today with a rigorous rancour of turing 21 & the ostracism of not having achieved anything were my birthday greetings.
I wonder why we become unhappy? This can’t be people letting us down, betraying our faith, this can’t be frustration of expectations backstabbing you , or your dreams laughing at your incompetence? This is a concoction of all, from every negativity to blunders of anxiety. Yet the truth doesn’t come easily that why are we here to live, what this universe will get with the survival of our species? How come this all started, why it happened that life sprouted amidst the darkness, toiling through cold&heat, dodging the beatific anomalies of adversity, why it kept changing to unfold something better from pre cambrian era to the mesozoic one? So why life matters& if it does then what purpose are we supposed to serve throughout the crescent curve of birth& death?
If I give enough thought then i find that let’s assume life matters so does humanity,as we can develop ways to nurture different forms of life both naturally( through compassion & love) and artificially( technologies have a long way to go). But amongst 7.5 billion people, what difference does one’s birth or death will make, it’s way too small so am I in a place of earth just occupying 2.4% of the land, even in that 2.4% i am no where to find a place enough to get recognised so as to be mattered! Then when nobody cares why should I? If it’s a bigger ball game, our earth being a smaller one& what if this whole universe is a ball kept in some spaceship, then what’s outside the spaceship? Huh! This ball game is way too bigger more than my tiny brain can accommodate& afford to think!
What if the pilot of the spaceship is the one who has programmed a code for the entire humanity to follow, what if it’s like a doll house to him ,with stories of his own, he’s making us live with that? It’s the reality or the ultimate virtuality! Who knows? I am given a life and i have to live it with a purpose that was either coded by the sailor or life itself is a purpose! Be it a big ball game, i’d play the little one, because to me little things matter, they do! from eating favourite food to laughing with eyes closed, watching sunsets, dancing in the rain, seeing a smile on the faces of loved ones, envying nature for her beauty& yet admiring her, struggling between the two blues( sky& ocean), crying like my tears will fan the stream of relief to generations, looking in the mirror& wondering is that really you? I live in these small things, i don’t know much of life ,neither can’t preach about how to live it, what to do with yourself & of yourself? I don’t know the latter but what you can do with yourself is you can love no matter what comes,there are times when this band of love suffocates you& deliberately you feel freeing yourself, i know this happens but i make a conviction here that i Will not succumb to this suffering, i will find an uncaged aura of love for life!
Because I have to live the eternity with the falling of a grain of sand, feel every tranquility in between my sighs, have to face precariousness with the wink of eyes, swim in the ocean of emotions with every smile, moreover live life even beyond what my heart desires.
I am not good with endings, but this isn’t an ending? I’m 21 only, too young, unemployed, opinionated & feminist🤣
Shiwangi,you aren’t the best but not the worst either,you are pretty humane so i just need to tell you that you matter to shiwangi(Happy birthday to ‘me’)
In the end i want to quote my favourite poem:
” Whose woods these are i think i know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods & frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there’s some mistake.
The only other sound ‘s the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
Woods are lovely dark and deep,
But i have promises to keep,
And miles to go before i sleep,
And miles to go before i sleep……
By: Robert Frost ❤